An Elephant in Paris

I’ve been terribly neglectful over the past few months. Dissertation is just miserable. Apologies!
Yesterday was World Poetry Day, and I couldn’t let this pass without a post…
Here is one of my own poems, which was recently included in UWE English Society’s literary magazine, Cellar Door (you can read it here). I am the Editor, so I hope you approve! The next issue will be out in April.
I was lucky enough to have my poem illustrated by Ana Monkevic, an illustration student from Bristol, so I thought I would include my page from Cellar Door, complete with illustrations!
Let me know what you think, blog friends.

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An Elephant in Paris

Pigalle, Pigalle,
Quel un quartier royal!
I went to Paris as the months darkened.
We drank coffee and walked to Montmartre
With browned skin still, from swimming
In the sea, in Nice.
We ate mussels there.

Paris bloomed with brighter fruits
In the streets of Pigalle,
A ruby theatre with a windmill astride it.
I saw one similar in Amsterdam, but I think the red
Stood for something else.

There once lived a Parisian elephant
From the world trade fair,
The Exposition Universelle
(Come and see the wonders of France and the
New world!)

An elephant in Paris, who slept under the stars
And the bars
Of La Tour Eiffel, until he was smuggled away
By the Moulin Rouge.

He sat in the garden
While men carved a hole in his belly,
And filled it with opium.
They painted gold his tusks.
Stairs rose in a tight spiral inside his leg,
And strange men with forgotten lives
And forgotten wives
Sat in his belly and stopped
And forgot.

All for a good price, of course.

Pigalle, Pigalle,
Quel un quartier royal!
Years passed,
And at last the windmill spun its last.
The elephant died
And turned to rust,
But nobody found his golden tusks.

Tea at the Ritz!

In celebration of my 21st birthday, we visited London to have tea at The Ritz! How jolly!

It was sumptuous. We were presented with silver teapots, sandwiches-on-tap, small cakes, big cakes, scones, clotted cream, jam, and a wonderful selection of loose-leaf teas. I chose ‘Rose Congou’, described as ‘a black tea from Guangdong, China, enriched with rose petals giving a gentle, light rose aroma’. A pianist accompanied us as we devoured our cakes in the Palm Court, and upon our request, they played ‘Colours of the Wind’ from Pocahontas. The whole thing was glorious, and most of the waiters were French.

We then trundled over to Fortnum & Mason, famous for their connections with Buckingham Palace. I felt like I was in The Paradise, and I simply had to buy some tea. I decided to purchase ‘Empire Blend Tea’, because it had an elephant on it. They also had many good cheeses, and when I am rich I will return and buy everything.

Finally, we visited the V&A Museum in South Kensington. There were exhibits on theatrical costume, diamonds and vintage teapots. One excellent exhibition was called ‘Light from the Middle East‘, and featured a series of photographs by various artists on the subject of the Middle East. My favourite was Halabche by Abbas Kowsari, an image of a Kurdish combatant wearing a Bryan Adams shirt. According to the sign, ‘the contrast reinforces the incongruity between warfare in Iraq and western pop culture’.

I also bought some rather good postcards.

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Lookbook: The Great Gatsby

This post is in celebration of the oncoming release of The Great Gatsby, which has been prolonged and stretched out, and it’s making me rather cross.

I often long for the 1920s, when everything was sparkling. However, I’m sure if I actually got transported there, I’d miss creme eggs and Michael Fassbender.
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The Hobbit: Smaug the Mighty

As part of my ‘Children’s Fantasy Fiction’ module, we were asked to rewrite a scene from a children’s story, changing it from third-person to first-person. In the spirit of modern cinema, and due to my ridiculous adoration for everything Tolkien, I decided to look at The Hobbit.

This is a scene nearing the end of the novel, when Bilbo is speaking to Smaug the dragon, whilst wearing the ring of invisibility (oh, what a ring). I decided to portray Smaug in the same light as Satan from Milton’s Paradise Lost – I wanted the reader to admire and sympathise with Smaug, despite the naughtiness of his actions.

I’m becoming very interested in creative writing, and I’d love to know what you think! Obviously, this is hardly original in itself, but I tried to put an original spin on the old ‘goody/baddy’ paradigm. Let me know what you think, friends!

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Smaug the Mighty

‘You don’t know everything, O Smaug the Mighty,’ said he. ‘Not gold alone brought us hither.’

A deep rumbling arose from my throat, but I could not set my eyes upon him. This being had seeped into my solitude like putrid smoke, disturbing me with his cryptics. Yet I could not see him, and he danced around me foolishly like a rodent.

‘Ha! Ha! You admit the ‘us’,’ I laughed, my old, cold blood pumping through my head. ‘I am pleased to hear that you had other business in these parts besides my gold. In that case you may, perhaps, not altogether waste your time.’

My eyes shifted across the darkness of the room. I continued.

‘I don’t know if it has occurred to you that, even if you could steal the gold bit by bit – a matter of a hundred years or so – you could not get it very far? Not much use on the mountain-side..?’
I faltered slightly, memories flooding my ancient head…

 

The Lonely Mountain. Dark retreat from the fires of the past. A cavern of utmost solitude in which I had lain for two hundred years, drowning in the silence of blazing gold and emerald.

I had once been the greatest dragon of the Third Age. For three hundred years I watched over the land below me, leading our race into dominion over Middle Earth. We soared higher than any mere eagle. We gathered together on crumbling cliff tops, basking in the golden sun as it rose from the East over the sea. Wizards, Elven kings, beasts – even the Necromancer feared us.

We knew nothing of good and evil. Only the sun and moon guided us.

They called us ‘wicked’ beings, tormenting the earth and desolating the landscape with our fiery breath. They hunted us in packs. I remember the night my children were destroyed. Showers of murderous arrows rained down upon us, piercing the skin of my beloved children and painting the night crimson with their blood.

Some of us escaped the slaughter. I led them to a wasteland, far from our old haunts. We lived on stray cattle and forgotten shepherds, those with no family to miss them. We sought solitude and safety from the weapons of men, but still they hunted us.

One night when the moon was waning, I watched the Men of Dale extinguish my brethren. They arrived with arrows, spears and swords, destroying those whom I had lived beside for so many years.

That night, a great race crumbled. Alone and injured, I dragged my bruised body across mountainous paths and ravines.

I had watched my empire fall like the setting of a great, crimson sun…

 

Slowly, I realised the invisible creature had been speaking to me once more.

‘We came over hill and under hill, by wave and wind, for Revenge,’ said the invisible being. ‘Surely, O Smaug the unassessably wealthy, you must realise that your success has made you some bitter enemies?’

‘Revenge!’ I snorted, and my eyes flashed red across the darkness of the hall. ‘Revenge! The King under the Mountain is dead and where are his kin that dare seek revenge? Girion Lord of Dale is dead, and I have eaten his people like a wolf among sheep…’

 

Girion Lord of Dale died at the hands of my fiery tongue.

I had crawled for weeks, dishevelled and leathery like an old, dying bird. I did not eat for many days at a time, hiding inside crevices in the mountain-side, not daring to appear in the daylight.

But I was not dying. Smaug the Mighty was still the Lord of this Middle Earth, and I pledged to take revenge on the Men of Dale for the slaughter of my children. I approached their city, grey and decrepit against the green lands of Rhovanion.

It took me until noon to exact my revenge upon the Men of Dale. I was quick but ruthless. They believed I was cruel, murdering innocent men. Yet I could not forget the screams of my young: they had not been granted the mercy of a rapid death.

The dwarves eventually fled from their mountainous cavern, and I approached the deserted peak with the weight of sorrow upon my chest.

Inside the Lonely Mountain I crawled, to sleep in silence until my solitary death…

 

I did not wish to boast to this invisible being but above all things, a dragon will not be made to look a fool. I intended to show him what sort of creature I had once been, when the days were golden in the realm of dragons.

‘I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong, strong, Thief in the Shadows!’ I gloated, as menacingly as I could muster. ‘My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death!’

I believe I succeeded in startling him, for his next words were accompanied by a distinct shiver:

‘I have always understood that dragons were softer underneath, especially in the region of the – er – chest; but doubtless one so fortified has thought of that.’

My ears pricked up involuntarily.

‘Your information is antiquated,’ I snapped. ‘I am armoured above and below with iron scales and hard gems. No blade can pierce me.’

 

I glanced at my foreclaw. A shining jewel winked at me.

The long, cold days of the mountain had always been filled with sadness.

I once belonged to a great community. We lived and breathed together, uninterested in the lives of other creatures. This community was dead now. I was alone. The last of the Fire Drakes.

The only comfort I gained from my gloomy resting place was the treasure left behind by the dwarves. Never had I beheld such treasure. Golden amulets, rubies encrusted with sapphires, goblets, diadems, medallions – such an array of luxury I had never before admired.

As each day passed, I grew tired of dreaming mournfully for my golden past. My eyes dwelt instead upon the sea of riches around me. Captured in every glint of gold, I found solace.

I bathed drunkenly in this treasure every day for two hundred years, until small crystals of emerald, garnet, diamond and silver began to embed themselves in my leathery skin. I soon became a shimmering beast, alone and forgotten in the dark, but as magnificent as I had ever been.

 

‘I might have guessed it,’ I heard the invisible creature saying. ‘Truly there can nowhere be found the equal of Lord Smaug the Impenetrable. What magnificence to possess a waistcoat of fine diamonds!’

A warm pride passed over me.

‘Yes, it is rare and wonderful, indeed,’ I said, and rolled over upon my back, desperate to show him the only beauty that had come from so many years of loneliness. My old stomach rolled weakly into the dim light, speckled with jewels from ancient times, and I thought myself beautiful.

‘Dazzlingly marvellous!’ spoke the intruder. ‘Perfect! Flawless! Staggering!’

Momentarily, I indulged myself with memories of the creature I had been and the life I once lived.

‘Well’, said the invisible intruder, disturbing my thoughts. ‘I really must not detain Your Magnificence any longer, or keep you from much needed rest. Ponies take some catching, I believe, after a long start.’

He paused.

‘And so do burglars.’

At this, I reared my great, ancient body as high as I could reach, and spat bright, golden flames in the direction of the thief. A black anger clouded my vision, and I stumbled towards him, intent on showing him the wrath of the last remaining Fire Drake of old.

But he was gone.

 

I stood alone for an hour in the silence. The cold moonlight glinted on my old skin.

***

Treasures from my room (until I get money)

I have not updated my blog for over a month now. The truth is, I have no money. And when I say no money, I mean I have -£1,249.87 out of a £1,250 overdraft.
So VERY LARGE apologies to my many, many thousands (?) of fans out there for my lack of activity. I have not bought anything, been anywhere or worn anything new and exciting for many weeks, and so I have neglected my blog like a cruel mother hen.
So…
Due to my lack of funds (open to donations), and as I have not purchased anything new, I will show you some old treasures from my collection of things…
A jolly postcard from a pal:
Isn’t it jolly?

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A naughty mug:
Stolen from a bagel house in Edinburgh, in which lots of Harry Potter was written. I had chorizo, mozzarella and pesto.

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Charity shop tea-tray:
Contributed beautifully to my poverty, but a bargain nevertheless. Hakuna matata.

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Moon-gazing hare:
A Pagan fertility symbol. A personal warning rather than a lucky charm. Children are awful.

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Stop Being Miserable.

This is a Gastrotrich. It may look like a detached and unhappy penis, but it is in fact a microscopic animal that lives in water. It is covered in bristles, giving it the nickname ‘Hairy Back’. It is also a hermaphrodite, although it probably wouldn’t be too bothered, as it only lives for 3 days. This poor, phallic-looking beast spends only 3 days alive on this earth, covered in hair, drifting through water and occasionally having a nibble, before it floats away into the oblivion of death (or whoever else is waiting in the Gastrotrich afterlife).

Well, that was depressing. Why have I told you that?

It has recently come to my attention that there are certain individuals in the world who take great pleasure in complaining. I’ll point out now that I am excluding anyone who has a real problem in their lives – I’m talking about those who are comfortable, vaguely affluent, well-fed, warm and educated, but have somehow developed an extraordinary power to complain about the terrible lives they lead.

I’ve decided I won’t be standing for it any longer. I believe I am, as they say, optimistic. Yes, I have problems. Divorced parents, no money, blaaaa. These things are irrelevant. What’s worse are the hours filled with dread for the day my hamster dies, and sometimes my hair does not look as it should. Furthermore, I keep entering competitions and never winning, and I think I must be cursed.

How could these people think they have problems?

There are many terrible things that have already happened this century: terrorist attacks, all these civil wars everywhere, and the death of Heath Ledger, to name but a few.

So I shall bring this back to Gastrotrichs. In 2010, the average life expectancy for a human was 67.2 years. The average lifespan for a Gastrotrich is 3 days. From what I can tell, they don’t seem to have the desire or the capability to enjoy those 3 days in any kind of hedonistic fashion.

So all you awful, moaning cretins that feed off misery and share it around like an STD, I would like to ask you to stop. We are alive 8,176 times longer than a Gastrotrich, and I’d like to think we could enjoy ourselves slightly better.

So, over the past 3 days (in which a Gastrotrich would be writhing its way towards doom), how much time have you spent complaining (I’d just like to acknowledge the irony of this post, but I assure you friends, I really don’t complain as much usually)? If the answer is:

‘Oh, actually rather a lot, whoops’

…then you are no better than a Gastrotrich, and I must insist you don’t talk to me about your troubles. I jolly well enjoy being alive, and I’d rather you didn’t swoop in on me with your imaginary angst.

(On the other hand, if you are genuinely about to kill yourself, feel free to chat.)

I shall leave you with a quote and a picture.

“So do all men who live to see such times. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us.” (J.R.R.Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings)

Spotlight on the Fringe: Peter Panic

I’m very poor at the moment, so I always knew my visit to the Fringe would consist mainly of free shows, cheap wine and super noodles. However, there is a small collection of shows that I was happy to pay for, and today I saw the best one so far.

It was called Peter Panic, written by James Baldwin, directed by Elgiva Field and performed by Function Theatre.

‘The country’s in turmoil, the spring is sprung, there’s about to be a coup, a woman has been found murdered, her unborn child stolen from her womb, things can’t get any worse… wait until Peter Pan turns up…’

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It was one of the only plays in which I have watched the entire thing, without remembering I was watching a play. I was transfixed throughout. It was incredibly dark and very disturbing, depicting the life of Peter living as Wendy’s son in a dystopian society, but retaining his feral instincts and confused sexuality towards Wendy.

The actors performed excellently, especially the character of Peter himself, with unsettling habits, vocals and movements that constantly reminded the audience that he was not a normal child. The play takes an even darker turn towards the end, at which point I quite literally had my hand to mouth in shock.

For anyone interested in the freudian side of J M Barrie’s characters, this play is unmissable. If you are at the Fringe, it runs at 2.50pm until 26th August in the Pleasance Dome, for £10 (£9 concession).

Spotlight on the Fringe: Yve Blake

After the delights and delirium of a goliath Megabus trip, we finally arrived in Edinburgh today for the Fringe Festival! Here we are having a jolly time in Starbucks:

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I’m travelling with the legendary UWE Drama Society (of which I have somehow become Treasurer), as we are performing a play this week in the Free Sisters venue (272). It is called Attempts on her Life by Martin Crimp, but I shall discuss that another day.

Today, we popped along to a one-woman show by a 19-year-old Australian girl, named Yve Blake (photo courtesy of Tharunka). We only went because the title was amusing – Am I Good Friend? – and because in our dreadful state of maniacal sleep deprivation, we simply rambled drunkenly to the first thing we found.

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Well, it was excellent. The show was based around a ‘scientific experiment’, to determine how to be a good friend based on ‘life data’. Through a cacophony of jovial chattering, highly entertaining video clips, and excellent audience interaction, Blake provided a superbly confident performance that was heart-warming, moving and very funny.

To our astonishment, it was her first ever theatrical creation, and we were all rather impressed that she had managed to achieve such a huge dream of hers in performing at the Fringe, despite her being only 19. For anyone reading this in Edinburgh, Yve’s show is running 22-25th August, at 14.35 in The Cabaret Voltaire.

And now I really must get some sleep. I’ve eaten a fair amount of dark chocolate with sea-salt (oh my yum!), and the bunk bed looks very tempting…

Horses, pearls & Virginia Woolf

Here is my week in one picture:

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1. Team GB

Oh, haven’t the Olympics been glorious? This is the first year I’ve actually been interested, being as I generally prefer raspberry torte to running and sport. But after that wonderful opening ceremony I was seduced, and have consequently been spending even more time watching the telly and eating cake. I have started this collection of pencil sketches, depicting all the horses from the Team GB equestrian bunch. I thought it would make a lovely souvenir.

2. The Selected Diaries of Virginia Woolf

I’ve been desperately trying to crunch my way through next year’s reading list and I am about half way through, although I cry often. To give myself a ‘break’, I thought I’d read this handsome little volume I bought a year ago, published by Vintage Classics. It’s actually jolly good reading, and so far I’ve discovered that her opinion of Katherine Mansfield was that:

‘She stinks like a – well civet cat that had taken to street walking. In truth I’m a little shocked by her commonness at first sight’

3. Antique pearls

I became rather obsessive over wartime Britain after reading Woolf, so I went into Dragon Treasures, which is a sumptuous antique shop near my house, and spent about 25 minutes looking through boxes of old postcards and war medals. I had almost managed to convince myself to buy an hourglass with a hedgehog on it (?) when I found these perfect little pearls for £3. I’m returning tomorrow to buy a B*Witched postcard, and unfortunately probably the hourglass.

4. Funky-time tops

I popped along to New Look to see the sale, as it is the only ‘youthful’ clothing shop in the snug little market town I live in. I found a stripy bandeau, a luminous crop-top and a lovely cream shirt-top thing. Hooray!

The power of fear in X-Men and Joseph Conrad

Last night I watched X-Men: First Class, a jolly good film with Kevin Bacon (pictured below).

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The plot revolves around Charles Xavier’s original discovery of the world of mutants, and the formation of the first groups of X-Men. The story’s set in 1962, during the Cuban missile crisis, and features some cool, old clips of Kennedy on the news. It also features Michael Fassbender as Magneto, which is just fine by me.

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Anyway, towards the end, that nasty Sebastian Shaw (played by Bacon) uses his mutant power to absorb a rather large amount of nuclear energy from his submarine, storing it up in his little footloose body, ready to eject it back into the world and jolly well ruin it, slightly.

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It reminded me of a scene from Joseph Conrad’s 1907 novel The Secret Agent, in which the cruel, anarchistic and lonely suicide-bomber, The Professor, is explaining his motives to Ossipon. He spends every day walking around with a small rubber ball in his pocket, which is connected to a set of live explosives in his jacket. One squeeze of the ball and there’s a fair amount of havoc for everyone.

But on being asked how he protects himself, he replies:

‘I have the means to make myself deadly, but that by itself you understand, is absolutely nothing in the way of protection. What is effective is the belief those people have in my will to use the means. That’s their impression. It is absolute. Therefore I am deadly.’

So you see, I’m seeing a nice little similarity between this guy, Sebastian Shaw, and everyone involved in the Cold War. They have the ability to do these awful things, but their power actually lies in the fear they instill. Jolly intriguing!